45,000 unattentended burglaries last year.

To date :-

Pickpocketed while registering for my undergraduate course (in a tower block used by the faculty of fucking LAW) 1976

Two burglaries of my flat in student land 1981/2

Two unsuccessful attempts to steal my car and one successful smash and grab on my car stereo at above 81/82

One attempted breakin at my terraced home by a Cambridge Rapist clone about 85

Three attempted break-ins and one drunken brawl at my next home 1988-1997 including the one where the olid said they had no one available, so i chased the buggers off with a motorbike chain. Thought one of the brawlers fell down tbe rail cutting and killed himself, rang plod to say dont bother i’ve killed them (and they STILL didnt come)

To date four break ins to garden and outbuildings at current address

First was shortly after i moved in, three residents pursued the git who jumped into the river to escape. Only the tide was out and he went head first up to his ankles in squidgy mud and died. His co-conspirators came quietly when we said we’d throw them in with him. Plod came out for that one but only because one of the residents i refer to giving chase was the inspector in charge at Caldicot.

Last burglary was about four years ago, they got in my car and rigled it. Loads of fingerprints and plod didnt give a fuck.

In 1981 i rang the local station desk to report a nutter in the street smashing cars up with his bare hands. I told them my car was behind the one currently being destroyed, that i was putting this phone down now to get my axe, and that if he got to lay a finger on my car i was going to use my skill as an animal experimenter to behead him

I walked to the back of the flat, got the axe from the cellar, took a quick piss and went for the door. I was met by four coppers three holding the scrote down and one slightly smaller whose first words to me were ‘john, we’ve arrested him you can out the axe back in the tool box’

The last brawl at my last house, and the last burglary here were both reported to the police, the first to 999 as the brawlers were actively fighting on my lawn having destroyed my fence by throwing a vombatant through it, the other to 101 as the burglary was not discovered until the next day

The 999 call handler actually apologised saying they regretted no one was available to attend. The 101 caller didn't even bother sending anyone

So different to 81. When my neighbour and i caught a burglar red handed breaking down an upstairs door with a jemmy we intervened and the bastard hit me with it nearly breaking my forearm

So we threw him down the stairs and proceeded to beat him to a bloody pulp. Which we might have done anyway but the little shit was still trying to stab and slash us both rather than run away through the open door. I doubt be had any bones intact at the end.

My neighbours wife rang 999 and a police van was there in minutes.

Four very big lads.

The first went straight to Dave’s wife to ask what had gone on.

As soon as she told him he came straight to me and held something against the gash to stop the blood. An ambulance crew rocked up and they were told to see to ME first (i’d probably lost half a pint and was NOT feeling well) and only after they were happy i was out of trouble did anyone pay any notice to the thieving bastard.

If only the police today adhered to those values…

And dressing like fucking rainbows mate whilst making tea for criminals at the scene of a crime.

Yes indeed, so I believe. 

No wonder poor old Darling and Gnamie get confused mate......

Sorry mate I know you were and old shcool copper but the new plod doesn't even bother to attend. They only go on what pepole say over the phone these days